-
Mark Twain said (roughly)
When children turn 10, they should be sealed in a barrel and fed
through a hole. When they turn 18, plug up the hole"
-
Only in America is the word "politics" used to describe the
process so well: "poly" meaning many, and "tics" meaning blood
sucking organisms
-
I'm
getting a poor exchange rate on my two-cents.
-
Sometimes even the best optimism just cant compete with reality.
-
The
Big Bang Theory: G-d spoke and BANG it happened.
-
I
am the evil twin.
-
If
a midget escapes from prison, is he considered "at large"?
-
Why
is bra singular and panties plural?
-
If
I buy a pair of pants, why do I only get one?
-
On
the other hand, you still have 5 fingers.
-
If
you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
-
If
you plan to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
-
If
you spin an oriental person around in circles, does he become
"disoriented"?
-
Everyone has photographic memory, it's just some of us are out of
film.
-
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?
-
If
it aint broke, fix it till it is.
-
If
you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
-
I
like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
-
Red
meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
-
If
you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't
met everybody.
-
All
power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
-
If
at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-
If
a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?
-
The
early worm gets eaten by the early bird.
-
I
have a mind like a steel trap - rusted shut
- or -
I have a mind like a steel trap, every time I get an idea, it
snaps my neck and swallows my head.
-
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
-
To
steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
-
4
out of 5 doctors think the fifth one is an idiot.
-
5
out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
-
3
out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
-
Why
are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
-
Why
do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
-
Why
are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?
-
Why
do we park in driveways, and drive on parkways?
-
Why
is a shipment sent by car, but cargo is sent by ship?
-
Is
there another word for synonym?
-
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
-
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-
Eat
right, exercise, die anyway.
-
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-
A
day with out sunshine is like, well, night.
-
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
-
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
-
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
-
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
-
Nothing is fool-proof for a sufficiently talented fool.
-
An
unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-
Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.
-
For
sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
-
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
-
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
-
Is
it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-
Two
wrongs are only the beginning.
-
I
used to be indecicive, but now I'm just not sure.
-
Worry, God knows all about you.
- Frank Warmerdam
-
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-
Make welfare as hard to get as a building permit.
-
I
still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
-
My
karma ran over your dogma.
-
Visualize Whirrled Peas.
